Listening is simultaneously one of the most important skills a person can acquire, and one of the most neglected. How many times have you been upset with another, and thought to yourself "S/he just won't listen to me!" Wouldn't it feel wonderful if that other person took the time to truly listen to what you had to say? And wouldn't it feel wonderful to do the same for them? Today, mix it up by consciously listening to those around you. Not sure how to start? There are three components to what is called "active listening":
1. Turn off your internal monologue. This is, for me, the hardest part of listening. When other people are speaking, I have a tendency to do one of two things -- either be off in my own little world, or be mentally completing their sentence or planning my response to what they have to say. Clear your mind of all of that, and focus on what the person in front of you is saying. Let their words be the only thing you hear.
2. Reach an understanding. Many times, I will be not clear on what another person is saying, but out of fear of looking silly I won't speak up. A much better approach is to ask clarifying questions (who, what, where, when, why, how?), and to make reflective statements ("What I hear you saying is…") to ensure that you are receiving the information properly. Not only does this make you an active and informed participant in the conversation, but your interest in the topic at hand will make your conversation partner feel like the center of your attention.
3. Internalize the results of the conversation. This doesn't mean to obsess over criticism or to change your life based on one sentence. What it means is to not simply dismiss the conversation once it's over. Just this week I had a conversation in the car with Nick about my bad habit of "California stopping" at stop signs at the top of hills -- I drive a manual, and I'm scared of having to stop at an angle, so I often just go right through them if no one's around. The next day, I was running an errand, and had to come to a stop at the top of a hill. Remembering our conversation, I stopped even though I was anxious about it…and as I proceeded through I saw a police car on the other side of the intersection. I would have certainly been ticketed if I hadn't internalized his concern for my driving. So when a conversation is over, don't just forget it!
Taking the time to truly listen to those around you will not only deepen your relationships, but also improve your own life -- and your ability to listen to yourself. Today, mix it up by listening! You might just be surprised by what you hear.
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Posted by: Ajf 4 | 07/06/2010 at 07:43 PM